disclaimer: However overthought this monolog is, I am here for sex (preferably with a woman, women, or couples), no more no less. Sex is so incredible that it can be compared to few things. That said, how I view sex and what it means to me (and how my wife's view on sex differs) can be simplified into an analogy. Sex to me is like sparring vs. choreography. I would enjoy sparring with anyone. It's the act of sparring, being creative when encountering a new opponent, HAVING a new opponent, and seeing what will get through this person's defenses that really makes sparring special, useful and fun. That's casual sex to me. Having a choreography partner is different. I need to have a connection with that partner. I need to trust them wholly (hens my hesitation on this sight), have an understanding of what I need to do and what they are going to do, I need to feel something for that partner (which is hard for me to do in any relationship, romantic or otherwise). All in all I get something wholly different out of a physical interaction with a choreography partner than I do with a sparing partner. Where this analogy starts to break down with my wife is that, even though I can have a choreography partner, her (who I can also spar with, and that is really awesome and exciting, especially when we try new moves), I still enjoy sparing with other people. It's an entirely different experience than how I interact with her when we are doing our choreography routines or even when we have spontaneous sparring matches. I would say, when I spar with my wife, it is a very special experience that makes me feel more connected with her and so much more meaningful than sparring with someone who is not my wife. But sparing with a stranger: 1) Has a dangerous excitement to it that just can't happen with my wife because of how well we know each other 2) teaches me how to grow in my sparring technique, attentiveness, focus, and strength 3) gives me insight into other people and gives me a better perspective of people and humanity as a whole. I think those are three things that are worth pursuing. Especially considering how self involved and egotistical I am. I really need that insight into how other people function and feel. I do realize how that seems to be hypocritical seeing as how my wife does not share this view and yet here I am, exploring something she has expressly stated she wishes for me to leave alone. But along with my egotism I am also clinically stubborn to the point of self destruction. And this is that self destructive nature in action. So in essence, I hope to find a sparring partner or two (or three or four...) here, but if fate is kind I won't. P.S. Back in the beginning of our marriage I approached my wife about how I thought a threesome would be exciting. She told me that would never be ok with her. I kept picking at it. I would bring it up every now and then and expound on the virtues I saw in it and how I didn't think it was a betrayal of our marital sexual experience. A good friend of mine and his then girlfriend, (now wife) were open minded. While trying to explain my point of view (without quite understanding my wife's point of view I must admit) I also slowly worked up my friend and his girlfriend. We started out just talking about sex, then I would go over to their apartment and play strip games (we made up a way to play strip Katan). I showed them a video me and my wife made of our first anal experience (on her not me). BTW, when all this came out this was one of the betrayals she most held against me, and still does. I guess I can see that. At some point they said they would be open to a foursome. I approached my wife again about a potential group sex experience, leaving out all the lead up, thinking that she would maybe be more comfortable with people we knew and liked. She was not. So when I went to visit my parents while my friend was visiting his parents (they live in a small town that is a few hours away from where we live) I met up with them and we very naturally worked up a threesome. It was one of the most incredible experiences I have ever had. It was everything I thought casual sex would be. And having another guy in the mix (especially one that I knew and liked. Typically I don't get along with other men very well) was exciting and another new experience for me. While I was able to play out how his girlfriend was sexually (and REALY enjoyed that. Got to toss her salad, eat her out while she blew me, and got to go in her ass and vagina and finish in her vagina. Needless to say, that was amazing. She was wearing pigtails at the time. Now pigtails turn me on so much) I was also able to explore how he was sexually and how I was sexually in that situation. I gave him a blow job while exploring his anal canal and rectum with my finger. He almost came there (because I found his prostate, and just above it his seminal vesicle, and applied pressure to both as if I were rubbing the g-spot on a woman. Worked the same as finding the g-spot on a woman btw. I, of course, new this because I often do this to myself) and asked me to cool it so he could last longer. One of my regrets from that experience was that he didn't bust a load in my mouth. That would have been an experience that I would have wanted to have first hand. I very much like to have the experiences that I ask other people to endure for me or the experiences I inflict on other people. Which is why I had this same friend punch me in the face as hard as he could (breaking my jaw) back when we used to spar together. I also had him in my ass and was in his ass. I know I'm talking a lot about the man on man action (because that was new and really important to me) but understand that as pansexual as I am, I am mostly heterosexual. It's like how we have a dominant hand. I am left handed but I still use my right hand for certain tasks, and some tasks it is necessary to use my right hand. But my go to hand is my left. My go to sexual orientation is hetero. But I acknowledge my homosexual side as well. In the end it was amazing (I still think it was amazing and don't regret the experience. I regret the timing and deception but I don't regret the experience). I considered not telling my wife, did anyways, and we are still recovering from that bomb. Still not sure if telling her was the right choice. I definitely think that, if anything happens here, not telling her is the right choice. Being here and doing something here might not be the right choice, but keeping her out of it is. : /